crabbycustomer:

LET’S JUST FUCKING SAY WE HAD AN ARGUMENT THAT ENDED VERY BAD WITH HER SPENDING THE NIGHT IN JAIL AND ME GETTING QUITE A FEW FUCKING STITCHES. BUT IT MADE IT SO I DIDN’T HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM WITH FULL CUSTODY, WHICH WAS FUCKING GOOD BECAUSE SHE IS AN ALCOHOLIC WHO CAN’T REALLY HANDLE THE WHOLE RESPONSIBILITY THING VERY WELL. I DON’T HOLD ANYTHING FUCKING AGAINST HER EXCEPT I WISH SHE WOULD FUCKING TRY TO BE A FUCKING MOM TO KARKAT.

JUST FUCKING LET HIM KNOW SHE EXISTS MORE THAN MAYBE TWICE A FUCKING YEAR. 

SHE HAS BEEN IN AND OUT OF REHAB AND HOSPITALS A FEW FUCKING TIMES. IT IS PRETTY FUCKING SAD, REALLY. SHE DIDN’T HAVE THE BEST FUCKING CHILDHOOD, AND SHE LET THAT SHIT CONSUME HER. I MEAN, IT WASN’T LIKE OUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP WAS ALWAYS BAD. SHE WOULD BE FUCKING FINE SOMETIMES. WE HAD MOMENTS WHERE IT WAS LIKE, SHIT, IS THIS LOVE? BEAUTIFUL FUCKING INTIMATE MOMENTS AND THEN, BAM. OTHER FUCKING TIMES IT WAS LIKE, WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SAYING THIS SHIT AND DOING THESE FUCKING THINGS?

I REALLY COULDN’T TRUST HER TO TAKE CARE OF KARKAT, SO I FUCKING LEFT HIM WITH MY PARENTS AND SISTER WHEN I WAS AT WORK. I REALLY FUCKING HATE THAT FOR THE FIRST FEW YEARS OF MY SON’S LIFE, I COULD BARELY FUCKING BE THERE, BUT I HAD TO FUCKING SUPPORT US SOMEHOW. 

THAT LAST NIGHT WITH MARIA WAS A FUCKING WAKE UP CALL, SON. I TRIED SO FUCKING HARD TO KEEP OUR FAMILY TOGETHER. I MEAN, SHIT. WE ONLY GOT MARRIED BECAUSE SHE GOT PREGNANT. AND I WAS YOUNG AND THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BEST FOR MY SON TO HAVE A FUCKING COMPLETE FAMILY. BUT I WAS WRONG. IT WAS A FUCKING BROKEN FAMILY THAT WAS DRIVING MY WIFE EVEN MORE FUCKING INSANE FROM ALL THE FUCKING STRESS. AND I FUCKING KEPT MY SON IN THAT ENVIRONMENT AND I DON’T KNOW IF I’LL EVER COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGIVE MYSELF FOR THAT.

ALL I HAVE EVER WANTED WAS THE FUCKING BEST FOR MY SON. I HAVE FUCKED UP A LOT ALONG THE WAY, AND I AM NOT FUCKING PERFECT, BUT I TRY. EVERYTHING I FUCKING DO, I DO FOR HIM. BECAUSE HE IS MY SON AND I LOVE HIM.

IT JUST FUCKING PAINS ME SO FUCKING MUCH THAT HE CAN’T HAVE THE MOTHER HE FUCKING DESERVES. AND HELL, SON, I DON’T EVEN THINK IT IS FUCKING FAIR TO PRESSURE MARIA INTO THAT BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE CAN BE A FUCKING PARENT.

SHE HAS BEEN HURT A LOT TOO BY HER PAST. SHE HAS BEEN FUCKING HURT AND ABUSED IN WAYS I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING IMAGINE. AND SHE FUCKING REFLECTS THAT HURT ONTO OTHER PEOPLE. INSTEAD OF FUCKING RISING ABOVE THAT SHIT AND LIVING A FUCKING HAPPY AND HEALTHY LIFE DESPITE IT, SHE JUST LOST HERSELF.

I DON’T KNOW IF SHE WILL EVER FIND HERSELF. 

WHILE KARKAT’S WELL BEING IS FUCKING ABOVE EVERYONE ELSE IN THE FUCKING WORLD, I STILL HOPE MY EXWIFE CAN FIND SOME FUCKING HAPPINESS. SOMETHING. SHE WAS SO FUCKING MISERABLE, STILL IS. THERE WAS MORE THAN ONE FUCKING OCCASION WHERE I HAD TO KEEP HER FROM FUCKING KILLING HERSELF. 

BUT I COULDN’T KEEP KARKAT IN THAT FUCKING SITUATION. HE DESERVES BETTER THAN THE BULLSHIT HE HAD TO GO THROUGH, THE FUCKING SHIT HE HAD TO HEAR AND SEE. 

AS EMOTIONALLY HURT MY EXWIFE WAS, THAT IS NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR HER TO TREAT HER SON, AND HER FUCKING HUSBAND THE WAY SHE DID.

BUT, SON.

I FORGIVE HER FOR THAT. I MIGHT NOT FORGIVE MYSELF. BUT I FORGIVE HER.

BECAUSE WHILE I MAY BE A FUCKING EMOTIONAL AND TEMPERAMENTAL PERSON MYSELF, I WON’T FUCKING HOLD HATE IN MY HEART FOR THE WOMAN WHO GAVE ME THE FUCKING BEST GIFT OF ALL.

MY SON.

AND FOR THAT I AM FOREVER FUCKING GRATEFUL.

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